I have accumulated this stuff over the last three years (only). Clearly my mother's magpie tendencies have been passed down genetically.

I claim none of it as original nor particularly funny, although I've liked it enough to keep it at some time. If anyone thinks their copyright is being infringed by a piece of material included here, e-mail me and I'll have it removed immediately.

At the moment there's no specific order, just a random collection...

Problem Page
The Missing Dollar
Keeping Up With the Herd
Reminders on a Bad Day
Living with S11
Larry Ellison's Take
One Liners
Management Lessons
Life...in a Nutshell
Chocaholic's Message
Terrorist Hijackers Solution
Updated Two Cows Economic Descriptions
Women Getting Even in Graffitti
A Quick Rejoinder

Problem Page

This is a (allegedly) direct transcript of a real letter in a problem page of a New Zealand magazine.

Dear Problem Page,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in a suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Sydney Australia. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with a sexually transmitted disease. We intend to marry as soon as possible, and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiance utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team, although I would prefer them not to continue to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets, and hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Australian?

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The Missing Dollar

Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly $30.00. Each guy gives him a $10.00 bill, and he leaves. That's fact!

When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made. The bill was only $25.00, not $30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five $1.00 bills and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza. That's fact!

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought....these guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split $5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two dollars for himself and give them back three Dollars.

OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three dollars, then departs with his two dollar tip in his pocket.

Now the fun begins! remember $30-$25=$5 Right? $5-$3=$2 Right?

So what's the problem?

All is well, right? Not quite. Answer this: Each of the three guys originally gave $10.00 each. They each got back $1.00 in change.

That means they paid $9.00 each, which times three is $27.00.

The delivery boy kept $2.00 for a tip. $27.00 plus 2.00 equals $29.00.

Where the heck is that other dollar?

(If you need to know the answer, e-mail me.)

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Keeping Up with the Herd

The following is (allegedly) an actual excerpt from Forbes Magazine: Please make sure you read this carefully. It may change the way you think about your life and career.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo,and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.

Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells,it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint.

Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

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Reminders on a Bad Day

Next Time You Think You're having a Bad Day

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it.

One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was (allegedly) taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998

Still Think You're having a Bad Day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home.

Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

(Allegedly) Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

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One Melbourne man's Viewpoint... Living with S11

OK so the great unwashed have a right to protest. Yes there are two-year-old Asian children working 26-hour days in rubber dog shit factories in Hong Kong. And I know globalisation is the evil force behind those crap Coke ads which brainwash people into thinking they can have fun and pull a root without the need for alcohol.

But why the f*ck hold up traffic as a protest? Throw eggs at Bill Gates, piss on Kerry Packer's dog and phone all McDonald stores and ask to speak to Ronald, but leave our roads alone. It took two-and-a-half hours to get home yesterday. My wife was stuck on St Kilda Road for so long that there was a real danger of her being rammed by a f*cking Moomba float! Rather than wait here in Lonsdale Street I walked down toward where she was stuck in the gridlock, caused by some dickheads who thought it would hurt the rich bastards at the WEF.

Yeah a traffic jam will really harm Bill Gates who uses his $80 million Gulfstream V jet to buy the milk. It's nothing to him. In the time we sat in traffic, Bill Gates made a lazy $50 million. He made another $50 million by the time we arrived at the childcare centre half an hour after the 6.30 closing time. I hope S11 are happy that we have to pay five bucks for every minute we were late. So while delegates enjoyed a boat or helicopter ride away from Crown I was on my way home in the dark wondering where I was gonna find 150 bucks.

In a further irony, our late arrival home meant take away dinner was on the menu and when you have a pissed-off three year old the only food you can make them eat is McDonalds - the irony wasn't lost on me so I got an extra large coke too. I then filled the car at Shell, watched Foxtel and I am writing this on Microsoft Word.

Earlier, as I weaved my way through stationary vehicles and frustrated motorists I walked past a group of ferals on their way to wherever after a hard day of protesting. Can you believe I actually heard one say: "God Melbourne is horrible, there's so much pollution and traffic!". No thanks to you, you crusty cow. Wash your hair, get some new ug boots and f*ck off back to Byron Bay - hippie.

I reckon the drivers of Melbourne should blockade the next Big Day Out concert and see how those JJJ-listening, pinko, art students like it. "Oh no they're breaching our right to watch Grinspoon, Jebediah and Shihad (f*ck there are some stupid band names, what ever happened to great names like Twisted Sister, Moving Pictures and the Uncanny X-men?)".

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Larry Ellison's Take

This is a speech that Larry Ellison (Oracle CEO) (allegedly) gave at Yale University to the graduating class of 2000:

"Graduates of Yale University, I apologize if you have endured this type of prologue before, but I want you to do something for me. Please, take a good look around you. Look at the classmate on your left. Look at the classmate on your right. Now, consider this: five years from now, 10 years from now, even 30 thirty years from now, odds are the person on your left is going to be a loser. The person on your right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And you, in the middle? What can you expect? Loser.

Loserhood. Loser Cum Laude. In fact, as I look out before me today, I don't see a thousand hopes for a bright tomorrow. I don't see a thousand future leaders in a thousand industries. I see a thousand losers. You're upset. That's understandable. After all, how can I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, college dropout, have the audacity to spout such heresy to the graduating class of one of the nation's most prestigious institutions?

I'll tell you why. Because I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, second richest man on the planet, am a college dropout, and you are not. Because Bill Gates, richest man on the planet-for now anyway-is a college dropout, and you are not. Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of college, and you did not. And for good measure, because Michael Dell, No. 9 on the list and moving up fast, is a college dropout, and you, yet again, are not. Hmm ... you're very upset.

That's understandable. So let me stroke your egos for a moment by pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were not attained in vain. Most of you, I imagine, have spent four to five years here, and in many ways what you've learned and endured will serve you well in the years ahead. You've established good work habits. You've established a network of people that will help you down the road. And you've established what will be lifelong relationships with the word "therapy." All that of is good. For in truth, you will need that network. You will need those strong work habits. You will need that therapy.

You will need them because you didn't drop out, and so you will never be among the richest people in the world. Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your way up to #10 or #11, like Steve Ballmer. But then, I don't have to tell you who he really works for, do I? And for the record, he dropped out of grad school. Bit of a late bloomer.

Finally, I realize that many of you, and hopefully by now most of you, are wondering, "Is there anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?" Actually, no. It's too late. You've absorbed too much, think you know too much. You're not 19 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I'm not referring to the mortarboards on your heads. Hmm ... you're really very upset. That's understandable. So perhaps this would be a good time to bring up the silver lining.

Not for you, Class of '00. You are a write-off, so I'll let you slink off to your pathetic $200,000-a-year jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates who dropped out two years ago. Instead, I want to give hope to any underclassmen here today. I say to you, and I can't stress this enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas and don't come back. Drop out. Start up. For I can tell you that a cap and gown will keep you down just as surely as these security guards dragging me off this stage are keeping me dow..."

(At this point The Oracle CEO was ushered off stage.)

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One Liners

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my butt."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start!"

 

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

 

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

 

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

 

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

 

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

 

A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "well don't go there any more."

 

My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

 

I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $150 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high."

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Management Lessons

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?’ The crow answered, ‘sure, why not.’ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon the turkey was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, ‘I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.’ The feet said, ‘We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.’ The hands said, ‘We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.’ And so it went on and on with the heart, lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, and so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don’t need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:

• Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
• Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
• And when you’re in deep shit, keep you mouth shut.

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Life ... in a nutshell

At age 4...success is....not peeing in your pants.

At age 12...success is....having friends.

At age 17...success is....having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is....having sex.

At age 35...success is....having money.

At age 50...success is....having money.

At age 60...success is....having sex.

At age 70...success is....having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is....having friends.

At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants

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Chocaholic's Message

Chocolate is a vegetable. Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean =Vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is a dairy product. So...candy bars are a health food. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It takes the edge off your appetite, and you will eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you will get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts."

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Terrorist Hijackers Solution

Letter to the Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington
D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs,

I've had a lot of time on my hands of late and believe that I may have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time we just might get the Airline industry back on its feet. Here's my plan:

Since Muslim men are not allowed to look at naked or nearly naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would not get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked or nearly naked
woman.

Of course every businessman in this country would start flying again in anticipation of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would probably have record sales.

Hell, I'd fly all over just for the scenery.

It truly puzzles me that Congress didn't already come up with this.

Am I the only one who thinks clearly on these issues?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

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Updated Two Cows Economic Descriptions

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

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Women Getting Even in Graffiti

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open.
—Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
—Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
—Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
—Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
—The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
—The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
—Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
—Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
—Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married!
—Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
—The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
—Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
—Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

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A Quick Rejoinder

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard one of the all-time best comeback lines in my life. This is (allegedly) an exact replication of the National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and a US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a boy scout troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD; We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER; "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD; 'I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER; "don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD; " I don't see how . We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER; "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD; "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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